Ambivalence has been a recurring theme within my first few weeks of school. The idea of having two ideas contradicting each other, and yet both are true. So often we feel the need to choose one side of the contradiction and stick to it with dear life as truth, all the while ignoring the other side of the coin (or truth). How hard it is to simply allow the contradiction, the ambivalence, to rest within us.
I was reminded today of my journey to Germany earlier this year. Prior and during the trip I felt this urgency to understand what God wanted to do with me, with my mentor Kathy, with the ministry that would be done. There had to be "one thing" that God desired for this trip. It was painful the amount of speculation and analyzing that went into discovering the great, "one" mystery!
About half way through the trip, when in fact many great things had happened, I finally had to admit that perhaps God was bigger than "one thing". Perhaps God desires many things for me, for us, for that trip to Germany. For some reason that was a very hard conclusion to come to for me. Now I understand why...Because it required me to live within the tension of contradiction, which made me expand my understanding of how big God actually is. It also required me to give up my dogma of "one thing" which is so safe and comforting.
What I have yet to learn is what is actually means to rest, to sit, with ambivalence...Perhaps there isn't just one way!
Sep 19, 2006
Sep 8, 2006
Words
My first week at Mars Hill Graduate School has come to end, at least the classes have. I am heading out to the school's annual retreat with the hope it will be a time for some facilitated reflection. This week was intense in too many ways to try to explain, but there are a few words that have been lingering in my mind from this week...
Ignorance. In our orientation we were called to come quickly to the realization of how ignorant we all are...very odd start to grad school! But it resonated with me, and then I did come very quickly to that realization (or reminder?) as I entered the classroom. I found myself struggling with the definitions to the most basic words and concepts, and I caught myself speaking before really thinking. I feel inept, which isn't a bad thing since I love to learn, and this first week was such a reminder that all the understanding we have (I have) is so minute in comparison to the vastness of God!
Play. Allender mentions this word a lot in his books and lectures. I find myself both fearful and intrigued by this word. Fearful because I don't know how to play...to move, to laugh, to joke in the physical senses of those words. Intrigued because the idea of playing with thoughts and words is stimulating and inviting to me. But this word has also made me question a bit...how playful am I in my relationship with God? Is He playing with me?
Theology. I thought theology was the study of God. But I also knew that there are specific theologies that people identify with, so therefore it must be a system too. But now I am being asked about MY theology, and I haven't a clue how to answer that question. Part of me feels indignant my churches and teachers never instilled in me a deep understanding of what Christian theology is, and part of me is thankful that I have never been so tied to a particular system that I can't think outside of it without feeling like I have betrayed someone/thing.
There were so many more words that stirred me up, so many ideas and concepts that I am starting to struggle through. I have been fighting the urge all week to sink into hiding, but to instead engage with these ideas with hope and be grateful that I get to be in this place. So off I go...
Ignorance. In our orientation we were called to come quickly to the realization of how ignorant we all are...very odd start to grad school! But it resonated with me, and then I did come very quickly to that realization (or reminder?) as I entered the classroom. I found myself struggling with the definitions to the most basic words and concepts, and I caught myself speaking before really thinking. I feel inept, which isn't a bad thing since I love to learn, and this first week was such a reminder that all the understanding we have (I have) is so minute in comparison to the vastness of God!
Play. Allender mentions this word a lot in his books and lectures. I find myself both fearful and intrigued by this word. Fearful because I don't know how to play...to move, to laugh, to joke in the physical senses of those words. Intrigued because the idea of playing with thoughts and words is stimulating and inviting to me. But this word has also made me question a bit...how playful am I in my relationship with God? Is He playing with me?
Theology. I thought theology was the study of God. But I also knew that there are specific theologies that people identify with, so therefore it must be a system too. But now I am being asked about MY theology, and I haven't a clue how to answer that question. Part of me feels indignant my churches and teachers never instilled in me a deep understanding of what Christian theology is, and part of me is thankful that I have never been so tied to a particular system that I can't think outside of it without feeling like I have betrayed someone/thing.
There were so many more words that stirred me up, so many ideas and concepts that I am starting to struggle through. I have been fighting the urge all week to sink into hiding, but to instead engage with these ideas with hope and be grateful that I get to be in this place. So off I go...
Aug 31, 2006
Footsteps
I have been reading and participating in a few discussions taking place on other blogs about women in leadership, which has stirred up this issue within me…again. I struggled through this issue last year, and have a mound of books on the subject that I poured through seeking an answer to this contentious debate. I didn’t leave that struggle with an answer, but I did come away with the understanding that women are in fact very loved and important to God. (Sad that growing up in the church this was not something I understood).
I guess now that I am on the brink of starting seminary classes, this issue is once again surfacing as I ponder how I got here in the first place. Why am I getting a Master of Divinity degree? What’s the point? As a woman, there will be fewer opportunities for me to work within ministry, and if I don’t end up in ministry then why get this very expensive degree? I of course have ideas of what will come from this education, I have desires and dreams, but I don’t feel that I can honestly answer the question “what are you going to with your degree”. As with any single, young woman, there is the gigantic elephant in the room called “marriage and children” that must be tiptoed around in any conversation about future goals and desires. I can’t pretend I don’t desire them, and I can’t pretend that those two relationships won’t affect any course I set out on. It is not succumbing to a traditional role, it is the desire to be fully present in two of the most intimate relationships one can have – spouse and parent. Just the questions of how, what and why makes me want to give up before I start.
But now I am in Seattle, slowly meeting other students, and I am realizing that the combination of my gender and degree program set me apart in this community, as well as the larger body of M.Div. students everywhere. Part of me bristles at the thought that I was accepted by this school simply because of my gender & program (speculation on my part), but another part of me is peeking through to the glory and excitement of knowing that what I am doing is important. There have been lots of women to journey into theology before me, but it is still important that I am here, in this program, at this time. Women have been withheld from this arena for millennia, but once the door opened we have also withdrawn ourselves from this arena, choosing to believe it is not our place to know God. I have a growing sense of gratitude and amazement that I get to be a part of the ranks that have chosen to take on this endeavor.
This isn’t just about a degree though. I traveled through Germany with my mentor this past spring as she trained youth ministry workers on military bases. We stayed with a woman who is a director of this ministry, and between these two amazingly gifted and God-honoring women there were horrific stories of battle and wounds…not just with the enemy but with their brothers in Christ. These are the women in the trenches who are courageous enough to stand up and ask for opportunities to serve, to call male leaders out when they easily glide into dishonoring dialogue and behaviors toward women, to keep serving their ministries while wounded and bleeding and choosing to lean completely on Jesus to give them the strength to keep fighting and loving their brothers in the midst of the pain. These women are my heroes. They are affecting change in the day-to-day living out of their faith and gifts. Although it is sad that these ministers of Christ, whose hearts are to lead people to Christ's love, are expending so much energy to simply remain standing within the walls of the Church.
The male affirming books and programs are good in some aspects, but again my fear is where is the humility? Where is the surrendering to Christ? I know these men often believe women should not be teaching them, but I wish they could see my heroes choosing to love their brothers into Christ-honoring ministry partnership and learn a different way. We don’t need men to circle their wagons and prepare male-affirming battle against women leaders in the church. We need them to submit and serve the women and invite them into partnership, knowing they will get wounded along the way, but still choosing to fight for the kingdom of God and love those women that willfully or inadvertently come against them.
What are these reflections for? My heart is not to be one of the guys. My heart is for the Church, and specifically the men in the church, to not discount me and my contributions because I am "just" a gal. It is seeking out validation, for a real world example, that God does indeed value women, and that we are indeed vital to the ushering in of the kingdom of God. I know that it is ridiculous to seek this kind of validation from mankind, but it is still my hearts desire…a desire that should push me into the heart of my Father. I admit that my path from seeking worldly validation to God’s embrace is long and winding. But it is women like my mentor, and many others, that inspire me to keep pressing into desire. Women who seek out who God created them to be, invest their giftedness in the Kingdom, and with faith step into battles they know will bring pain, and in the battle they lean on their Christian family knowing that at times they will lean directly into a sword of betrayal, and yet they trust that in this life and in eternity there will be healing and redemption. They are women walking in the footsteps of Christ.
I guess now that I am on the brink of starting seminary classes, this issue is once again surfacing as I ponder how I got here in the first place. Why am I getting a Master of Divinity degree? What’s the point? As a woman, there will be fewer opportunities for me to work within ministry, and if I don’t end up in ministry then why get this very expensive degree? I of course have ideas of what will come from this education, I have desires and dreams, but I don’t feel that I can honestly answer the question “what are you going to with your degree”. As with any single, young woman, there is the gigantic elephant in the room called “marriage and children” that must be tiptoed around in any conversation about future goals and desires. I can’t pretend I don’t desire them, and I can’t pretend that those two relationships won’t affect any course I set out on. It is not succumbing to a traditional role, it is the desire to be fully present in two of the most intimate relationships one can have – spouse and parent. Just the questions of how, what and why makes me want to give up before I start.
But now I am in Seattle, slowly meeting other students, and I am realizing that the combination of my gender and degree program set me apart in this community, as well as the larger body of M.Div. students everywhere. Part of me bristles at the thought that I was accepted by this school simply because of my gender & program (speculation on my part), but another part of me is peeking through to the glory and excitement of knowing that what I am doing is important. There have been lots of women to journey into theology before me, but it is still important that I am here, in this program, at this time. Women have been withheld from this arena for millennia, but once the door opened we have also withdrawn ourselves from this arena, choosing to believe it is not our place to know God. I have a growing sense of gratitude and amazement that I get to be a part of the ranks that have chosen to take on this endeavor.
This isn’t just about a degree though. I traveled through Germany with my mentor this past spring as she trained youth ministry workers on military bases. We stayed with a woman who is a director of this ministry, and between these two amazingly gifted and God-honoring women there were horrific stories of battle and wounds…not just with the enemy but with their brothers in Christ. These are the women in the trenches who are courageous enough to stand up and ask for opportunities to serve, to call male leaders out when they easily glide into dishonoring dialogue and behaviors toward women, to keep serving their ministries while wounded and bleeding and choosing to lean completely on Jesus to give them the strength to keep fighting and loving their brothers in the midst of the pain. These women are my heroes. They are affecting change in the day-to-day living out of their faith and gifts. Although it is sad that these ministers of Christ, whose hearts are to lead people to Christ's love, are expending so much energy to simply remain standing within the walls of the Church.
The male affirming books and programs are good in some aspects, but again my fear is where is the humility? Where is the surrendering to Christ? I know these men often believe women should not be teaching them, but I wish they could see my heroes choosing to love their brothers into Christ-honoring ministry partnership and learn a different way. We don’t need men to circle their wagons and prepare male-affirming battle against women leaders in the church. We need them to submit and serve the women and invite them into partnership, knowing they will get wounded along the way, but still choosing to fight for the kingdom of God and love those women that willfully or inadvertently come against them.
What are these reflections for? My heart is not to be one of the guys. My heart is for the Church, and specifically the men in the church, to not discount me and my contributions because I am "just" a gal. It is seeking out validation, for a real world example, that God does indeed value women, and that we are indeed vital to the ushering in of the kingdom of God. I know that it is ridiculous to seek this kind of validation from mankind, but it is still my hearts desire…a desire that should push me into the heart of my Father. I admit that my path from seeking worldly validation to God’s embrace is long and winding. But it is women like my mentor, and many others, that inspire me to keep pressing into desire. Women who seek out who God created them to be, invest their giftedness in the Kingdom, and with faith step into battles they know will bring pain, and in the battle they lean on their Christian family knowing that at times they will lean directly into a sword of betrayal, and yet they trust that in this life and in eternity there will be healing and redemption. They are women walking in the footsteps of Christ.
Romans 16:19 Says
Wow. I just spent over an hour writing an intense post that left me in tears, and then it disappeared. Seriously...just disappeared on my screen.
I am going to assume, since I am super-spiritual
, that it was Satan 
(since super-spiritual people like me are imune to human errors, like mispelling "immune"), and therefore I will fight back and try to rewrite it later!
Everyone sing with me now!....(remember to really hit the pronounciations, or you just don't get the same effect, and if you know the hand motions, then play along!)
Ro-mans
six-teen
nine-teen
says
The Gaaahhhd
of peace
will sooooon
crush Sa-tan!
The Gaaahhhhd
of peace
will crush him under his feet! hey!
Gotta love the old church youth group songs!
I am going to assume, since I am super-spiritual
, that it was Satan (since super-spiritual people like me are imune to human errors, like mispelling "immune"), and therefore I will fight back and try to rewrite it later! Everyone sing with me now!....(remember to really hit the pronounciations, or you just don't get the same effect, and if you know the hand motions, then play along!)
Ro-mans
six-teen
nine-teen
says
The Gaaahhhd
of peace
will sooooon
crush Sa-tan!
The Gaaahhhhd
of peace
will crush him under his feet! hey!
Gotta love the old church youth group songs!
Aug 30, 2006
Bored
I have had trouble posting lately simply because I am just bored. My days are slow and lazy as I await school to start. I am a complete procrastinator, so the more pressure I have on me the more I get done. Right now - zero pressure and accomplishing nothing. I feel like my brain is a little mushy from lack of stimulation over the past month, and so those deep and profound thoughts that blogs were created for just aren't coming. =)
So I will share a few random tidbits from my past month of being a new resident in Seattle:
- A month of sunny, 80 degree days in the middle of summer has convinced me that all people that live in Phoenix are completely insane...I am so relieved that God saved me from the insanity and provided me this lovely place to begin my recovery.
- Though I remain in the USA, I feel at times that this is a completely different culture. Case in point - there are no full-service car washes or drive-up ATM's (Seattlites don't even know what they are missing!); the streets are so narrow and hilly that I feel like a speedracer when I go over 30 mph; you have to pay to park everywhere; and the parks have big green sticks and wavy blue liquid - I learned about these things in a geography class at Arizona State...they are called trees and lakes...amazing.
- I have enjoyed many marathons over the past month: Project Runway, Weeds, Rome, Design Star, The 4400...tv marathons that is!
- I bought a very expensive camera this year in anticipation of some trips and this move, and was so disappointed with it that I lost all interest in learning how to use it. But I am starting to give it a second chance to redeem itself. Below is a photo taken from my front yard! If you look hard you will see the amazing Olympia mountains on the horizon!
Aug 22, 2006
More Woman
Came across this quote from the Talmud on a forum:
The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved.
Aug 16, 2006
Woman
I love that there are many discussions, books, speakers, etc. that are engaging the question of what it means to be a man. I see that men are in a state of confusion and need to be affirmed in the masculinity God created them with. I can see just in my own family what a skewed vision of manhood we have based on the personality of my dad, and how it created so much conflict in my brother. I can see how us women really haven't helped the situation much with our lack of understanding. Manhood needs to be addressed.
But in response to the manhood discussion, there have been a few books about being a woman and femininity. I kind of hate being the sex that is the afterthought. It almost seems that in the Creation account in Genesis woman was an afterthought to God too. Woman was created in response to man's loneliness. Woman was created from man's flesh, in the image of the man who was already created in the image of God. In the new testament it says that man is the glory of God, and woman is the glory of man. hmmph.
I think that men in this culture treat women as an afterthought too. They set forth in their puposes and, if they are enlightened to the value of woman, they find a way to fit their woman into their purposes. If they are not enlightened to woman's value, they just expect women to continue to be their props - someone to feed them and birth their legacies. Uhg. I hate sounding like a freakish feminist. I really am not angry (at least not as I type this!). But are these thoughts that I have the courage to type, but not speak, really that off-base? I guess I am just confused...still...as to what my place is as a woman, and a follower of Christ, in this culture.
And that is where I get frustrated with the manhood debates, as needed as they are, because woman is not being addressed or given voice. Instead woman is expected to stand and rally around the men at their own expense. And I don't think this is menacing...I think it is, as most things are in the church culture, completely unbalanced. Even if woman was created after man, God gave mankind (man and woman) a singular command - to subdue, rule, fill and multiply the earth. God gave the first woman and man the same rule within the garden - to remember that he is God and they are not. So how can we confront and converse about the redefining of gender without minimizing the other, and the Other?
If I believe that God is perfect, then I can't believe that woman was an afterthought. So now I am confronted with the fact that either a) my understanding of God is wrong, which leaves God being wrong and out of control, and therefore woman is indeed a divine afterthought or b) my understanding of God's ways are wrong, which means God is in control and there is something about the way he created man and woman that I don't yet understand.
Even if there is some chance that God isn't perfect, he is still bigger than me, so I tend to avoid picking fights with him. So I accept b) - that I am not God.
Now where do I go from here?
But in response to the manhood discussion, there have been a few books about being a woman and femininity. I kind of hate being the sex that is the afterthought. It almost seems that in the Creation account in Genesis woman was an afterthought to God too. Woman was created in response to man's loneliness. Woman was created from man's flesh, in the image of the man who was already created in the image of God. In the new testament it says that man is the glory of God, and woman is the glory of man. hmmph.
I think that men in this culture treat women as an afterthought too. They set forth in their puposes and, if they are enlightened to the value of woman, they find a way to fit their woman into their purposes. If they are not enlightened to woman's value, they just expect women to continue to be their props - someone to feed them and birth their legacies. Uhg. I hate sounding like a freakish feminist. I really am not angry (at least not as I type this!). But are these thoughts that I have the courage to type, but not speak, really that off-base? I guess I am just confused...still...as to what my place is as a woman, and a follower of Christ, in this culture.
And that is where I get frustrated with the manhood debates, as needed as they are, because woman is not being addressed or given voice. Instead woman is expected to stand and rally around the men at their own expense. And I don't think this is menacing...I think it is, as most things are in the church culture, completely unbalanced. Even if woman was created after man, God gave mankind (man and woman) a singular command - to subdue, rule, fill and multiply the earth. God gave the first woman and man the same rule within the garden - to remember that he is God and they are not. So how can we confront and converse about the redefining of gender without minimizing the other, and the Other?
If I believe that God is perfect, then I can't believe that woman was an afterthought. So now I am confronted with the fact that either a) my understanding of God is wrong, which leaves God being wrong and out of control, and therefore woman is indeed a divine afterthought or b) my understanding of God's ways are wrong, which means God is in control and there is something about the way he created man and woman that I don't yet understand.
Even if there is some chance that God isn't perfect, he is still bigger than me, so I tend to avoid picking fights with him. So I accept b) - that I am not God.
Now where do I go from here?
Jul 28, 2006
Unknown
I have made it to Seattle. It was a fantastic journey that included spending time with all of my long-distance friends, enjoying their hospitality, watching their children play, and getting caught-up in a way that only women can do.
My first week in my new hometown has been a mixed bag. It is exciting to explore all the neighborhoods in this city, but I am tired of being lost. I love my new house, but I am discovering all of it's not-so-charming quirks. I love decorating and searching for decor, but I am nervous about my dwindling income. I love having the freedom to roam throughout the day, but I am starting to ache for some connection.
I am experiencing the joy of the adventure, and yet a sadness that comes with not being known. I am mourning being familiar with my surroundings and with a community. I know familiarity will come, but today it feels like it isn't coming soon enough.
My first week in my new hometown has been a mixed bag. It is exciting to explore all the neighborhoods in this city, but I am tired of being lost. I love my new house, but I am discovering all of it's not-so-charming quirks. I love decorating and searching for decor, but I am nervous about my dwindling income. I love having the freedom to roam throughout the day, but I am starting to ache for some connection.
I am experiencing the joy of the adventure, and yet a sadness that comes with not being known. I am mourning being familiar with my surroundings and with a community. I know familiarity will come, but today it feels like it isn't coming soon enough.
Jul 14, 2006
The Gift of Go
I am living in the moments that will make up my last few days in Phoenix. I have lived other places over the years, but they were always temporary. Phoenix has always been home. Not a home I have loved or cherished, but home in the sense that this is where my community has been, my family. Two years ago I bought my own home, further planting me in this community. And now I am pulling up my roots of the last 20 years in search of a new home.
I am reading an amazing book called Searching for Home, by M. Craig Barnes, one of my favorite authors. It was a book I bought for someone else, but was definitely meant for me in this time - a reminder that as a Christian, home will never be found on earth, but only in eternity with Christ. Some of my favorite lines...
"...the right place isn't something you choose, but a place that chooses you, molds you, and tells you who you are."
"...there is no way to find home without leaving home. It is a grace to be told to go."
"...the redemption we are offered by God results only in becoming a purer form of ourselves."
It seems that the hardest things often bring the greatest gifts and blessings. My dad dying over three years ago was devestating, but has brought a lot of freedom...perhaps because it is easier to forgive those that are gone. Owning a home has not been the American Dream for me with leaking roofs and backed-up sewer lines, but owning it has made me wealthier than I started and afforded me the luxury of becoming a full-time student again. And this move to a new place has been difficult. Lots of anxiety and reluctant goodbyes. I don't know what the end will look like...it is many years down the road, but I sit here with great expectations of the transformation that is about to begin (as well as a little dread for the rough roads that will inevitably be taken on this new journey).
I am reading an amazing book called Searching for Home, by M. Craig Barnes, one of my favorite authors. It was a book I bought for someone else, but was definitely meant for me in this time - a reminder that as a Christian, home will never be found on earth, but only in eternity with Christ. Some of my favorite lines...
"...the right place isn't something you choose, but a place that chooses you, molds you, and tells you who you are."
"...there is no way to find home without leaving home. It is a grace to be told to go."
"...the redemption we are offered by God results only in becoming a purer form of ourselves."
It seems that the hardest things often bring the greatest gifts and blessings. My dad dying over three years ago was devestating, but has brought a lot of freedom...perhaps because it is easier to forgive those that are gone. Owning a home has not been the American Dream for me with leaking roofs and backed-up sewer lines, but owning it has made me wealthier than I started and afforded me the luxury of becoming a full-time student again. And this move to a new place has been difficult. Lots of anxiety and reluctant goodbyes. I don't know what the end will look like...it is many years down the road, but I sit here with great expectations of the transformation that is about to begin (as well as a little dread for the rough roads that will inevitably be taken on this new journey).
Jun 4, 2006
House Joy
The last month or two I have been carrying a huge burden. Simple questions really, but extremely overwhelming for me. Selling a house, moving to a new town, starting grad school, finding a new home, figuring out how to make my job part time in another city, buying a new car, ahh...the list itself stresses me out.
Last week I was doing my weight training day at the gym. I worked out all my muscles just fine, but then I got to my shoulders and I could not get through 5 reps without stopping. Now I know there are a lot of variables at play, but I walked away feeling like I had just lived through a symbolic moment...the weight of my world has been so heavy on my shoulders that I just couldn't bear any more.
But this morning I woke up happy, actually quite joyful. I spent the last two days looking for a new home with my new roommates in my new hometown...Seattle. We found a beautiful house in Greenlake that is perfect for each of our individual needs. I now have a place to call home for the next year. I have a distraction in the planning of the move to keep me from dwelling on the more pressing questions, such as...what the hell am I thinking moving to Seattle and becoming a student again? Just checking off that one item from my overwhelming To Do list has helped me feel free again to dream of a new life in Seattle.
Pictures coming soon!
Last week I was doing my weight training day at the gym. I worked out all my muscles just fine, but then I got to my shoulders and I could not get through 5 reps without stopping. Now I know there are a lot of variables at play, but I walked away feeling like I had just lived through a symbolic moment...the weight of my world has been so heavy on my shoulders that I just couldn't bear any more.
But this morning I woke up happy, actually quite joyful. I spent the last two days looking for a new home with my new roommates in my new hometown...Seattle. We found a beautiful house in Greenlake that is perfect for each of our individual needs. I now have a place to call home for the next year. I have a distraction in the planning of the move to keep me from dwelling on the more pressing questions, such as...what the hell am I thinking moving to Seattle and becoming a student again? Just checking off that one item from my overwhelming To Do list has helped me feel free again to dream of a new life in Seattle.
Pictures coming soon!
May 29, 2006
Sex
I want some.
Virginity in the Christian community I have always lived in is such a virtue, something to be admired, which means it is something that you receive genteel womanly smiles for and pats on the back.
I wish we could be more honest about how hard it is. At 29, my body feels like it is at a breaking point. As I listened to my "worldly" brother briefly mention the fact that he has had several flings since his divorce, my heart and body groaned. Why does he get grace? Why don't I take advantage of that same grace that I know is available to me and release some of this pent up sexual energy?
Because either out of total naivete or church brainwashing or perhaps real belief I anticipate that there is a blessing in honoring God by holding out for a covenant relationship. Dear God, please let it be real.
In the meantime, I finally opened up about this struggle with a friend. The conversation led to laughter...avoid the older car salesmen as I shop for a car - I might end up getting laid...keep reading those piles of books on my bedstand to get through those "lonely" nights...which led me to this song by Over the Rhine...
Virginity in the Christian community I have always lived in is such a virtue, something to be admired, which means it is something that you receive genteel womanly smiles for and pats on the back.
I wish we could be more honest about how hard it is. At 29, my body feels like it is at a breaking point. As I listened to my "worldly" brother briefly mention the fact that he has had several flings since his divorce, my heart and body groaned. Why does he get grace? Why don't I take advantage of that same grace that I know is available to me and release some of this pent up sexual energy?
Because either out of total naivete or church brainwashing or perhaps real belief I anticipate that there is a blessing in honoring God by holding out for a covenant relationship. Dear God, please let it be real.
In the meantime, I finally opened up about this struggle with a friend. The conversation led to laughter...avoid the older car salesmen as I shop for a car - I might end up getting laid...keep reading those piles of books on my bedstand to get through those "lonely" nights...which led me to this song by Over the Rhine...
Ahh...this is the beauty of life...finding laughter in the midst of struggle.So open up my heart-shaped box
It's full of combination locks
I've swallowed all my love-sick pills
To keep from getting chills
Look at all the books I've read
In my lonely single bed
But when you say love, OH
Apr 29, 2006
Engaging
I have spent a lot of my life un-engaged with the world around me. I have always stepped back into the shadows to avoid putting a burden on others, to avoid being seen or heard, to avoid being known. And yet in those shadows my heart has always wept in grief that I was not seen or heard, that my life had no impact on others, that no one really knew me.
The last few months have been about engaging the world around me. Stepping out into the unknown situations that life presents and choosing to embrace the moment, the person, the place. It has been a seemingly easy transition. It has led to new friendships, new adventures, and new heart aches. Each step out has resulted in a powerful recoil of self, a recoil into self. It is a fear, or intense shame, that questions my very being in the moments of engagement that have passed.
What is this fear? And why is it so intense now?
I am moving toward a new challenge that I know will force me into engagement at a whole new level. It is an adventure that will ask me to be fully present and completely authentic. It will ask me to be myself in the face of rejection, to speak truth in the midst of disagreement. Right now I fear that challenge, and yet I know that it will be the battle against my fears that will give me confidence to continue to engage.
Christ calls his followers to engage. So why is this fear so present in my life right now? I can only suppose that Jesus is seeking me out, calling me out of the shadows I have lived in, asking me to depend on his grace and strength in my weakness. It is a beautifully frightening call.
The last few months have been about engaging the world around me. Stepping out into the unknown situations that life presents and choosing to embrace the moment, the person, the place. It has been a seemingly easy transition. It has led to new friendships, new adventures, and new heart aches. Each step out has resulted in a powerful recoil of self, a recoil into self. It is a fear, or intense shame, that questions my very being in the moments of engagement that have passed.
What is this fear? And why is it so intense now?
I am moving toward a new challenge that I know will force me into engagement at a whole new level. It is an adventure that will ask me to be fully present and completely authentic. It will ask me to be myself in the face of rejection, to speak truth in the midst of disagreement. Right now I fear that challenge, and yet I know that it will be the battle against my fears that will give me confidence to continue to engage.
Christ calls his followers to engage. So why is this fear so present in my life right now? I can only suppose that Jesus is seeking me out, calling me out of the shadows I have lived in, asking me to depend on his grace and strength in my weakness. It is a beautifully frightening call.
Apr 13, 2006
Delight
Have you ever sensed someone delighting in you? Someone simply enjoying you? It's the sparkle in their eye or the tone of their voice that tips you off to the fact that they are embracing your presence.
I felt that today for a brief moment. It is a wonderful thing.
Justice
Isaiah 1:
16 Wash yourselves; make yourselves
clean;remove the evil of your deeds from before my eyes;cease to do evil,17
learn to do good;seek justice,correct oppression;bring justice to the
fatherless,plead the widow's cause.
...One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for
all.
Pledge of Allegiance
What does it mean to be just? In Isaiah, I am learning, the lack of justice towards those in need and vulnerable was a big part of God's anger toward the Israelites. It was evil to withhold justice to the fatherless and widowed. I am also learning that justice is almost always mentioned in partnership with righteousness...Learning to do good. When we are seeking righteousness, justice should be a natural outflow of the goodness we are practicing.
Confession: the word justice makes my skin crawl. The word brings up images of angry crowds of people, chanting intelligible and ridiculous phrases, using their fingers to point at others in blame rather than to truly do good. Perhaps those are all very stereotypical images, but that is what comes to my mind. But, if I am a follower of Christ, then I have to ask the question...am I practicing justice? I am sure the answer is "no."
Another confession: I am scared of giving, fighting for, practicing justice, because it will require me to ignore the injustices in my own life in order to participate in justice for others. Who will fight for me? I am scared of embracing the dirtiest and most wounded parts of our world...I fear it is more pain and suffering than I have the ability to handle. I am scared that I would do more harm than good by speaking, serving, and fighting inappropriately.
I think Christian Americans are often guilty of pledging more allegiance to this nation than to our God. But this nation, by our very pledge, is under the authority of our God. So who should we really be placing our allegiance with? I want to walk in allegiance with God, which means embracing the command to practice justice. I don't know what that looks like, and I expect that it will involve much stumbling, as do most of my attempts to learn God's calling for me.
Apr 8, 2006
Silence
Growing up as a little girl my family had a cabin that was a full day's drive from home. We had the good 'ol Suburban to carry us into the woods of Ruidoso, New Mexico, and I remember the sounds of talk radio and the story time of Garrison Keeler. It killed me when I was little. I would get boredom headaches. Perhaps I just needed some silence.
I have spent the entire morning pouring over music websites trying to find some new tunes to update my already overflowing collection. I am so excited to have found a few artists that are new to me. Here is a sample...
Needtobreathe
Mainstay
Imogen Heap
Marc Broussard
Ashton Allen
Nada Surf
But after hours of perusing so many bands, listening to so many songs...my head hurts. It could be a sugar overdose from the massive Cherry Limeade I just drank down from Sonic, but I think just need some silence.
I have spent the entire morning pouring over music websites trying to find some new tunes to update my already overflowing collection. I am so excited to have found a few artists that are new to me. Here is a sample...
Needtobreathe
Mainstay
Imogen Heap
Marc Broussard
Ashton Allen
Nada Surf
But after hours of perusing so many bands, listening to so many songs...my head hurts. It could be a sugar overdose from the massive Cherry Limeade I just drank down from Sonic, but I think just need some silence.
Apr 6, 2006
Doing The Next Thing
Do the next thing.
That has been the consistent advice of my mentor for 10 years. It is advice that has taken me 10 years to even begin to understand. This is one little next step to figuring out the next steps ahead, and inviting others to participate.
Making one's thoughts public seems terribly narcissistic, or on the other extreme, needy. And yet there is something incredibly desirous about having others participate in your internal dialogue. Perhaps any thoughts that make it to this space could be stored away in a private journal, but then they would be just that. Private, like a secret. The daily meandering of my life isn't a secret, and I don't want it to be. And so here I go...
Making one's thoughts public seems terribly narcissistic, or on the other extreme, needy. And yet there is something incredibly desirous about having others participate in your internal dialogue. Perhaps any thoughts that make it to this space could be stored away in a private journal, but then they would be just that. Private, like a secret. The daily meandering of my life isn't a secret, and I don't want it to be. And so here I go...
My life seems full of next steps right now.
Stepping out of a career,
and stepping into grad school.
Stepping out of the roles I had accepted for myself,
and stepping into uncharted paths.
Stepping out of comfort and control,
and stepping into the unknown.
Fortunately, there are many others that have taken these steps before me. Like this one...
"Never be afraid to trust an unkown future to a known God."
Corrie Ten Boom
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)