Footsteps

I have been reading and participating in a few discussions taking place on other blogs about women in leadership, which has stirred up this issue within me…again. I struggled through this issue last year, and have a mound of books on the subject that I poured through seeking an answer to this contentious debate. I didn’t leave that struggle with an answer, but I did come away with the understanding that women are in fact very loved and important to God. (Sad that growing up in the church this was not something I understood).

I guess now that I am on the brink of starting seminary classes, this issue is once again surfacing as I ponder how I got here in the first place. Why am I getting a Master of Divinity degree? What’s the point? As a woman, there will be fewer opportunities for me to work within ministry, and if I don’t end up in ministry then why get this very expensive degree? I of course have ideas of what will come from this education, I have desires and dreams, but I don’t feel that I can honestly answer the question “what are you going to with your degree”. As with any single, young woman, there is the gigantic elephant in the room called “marriage and children” that must be tiptoed around in any conversation about future goals and desires. I can’t pretend I don’t desire them, and I can’t pretend that those two relationships won’t affect any course I set out on. It is not succumbing to a traditional role, it is the desire to be fully present in two of the most intimate relationships one can have – spouse and parent. Just the questions of how, what and why makes me want to give up before I start.

But now I am in Seattle, slowly meeting other students, and I am realizing that the combination of my gender and degree program set me apart in this community, as well as the larger body of M.Div. students everywhere. Part of me bristles at the thought that I was accepted by this school simply because of my gender & program (speculation on my part), but another part of me is peeking through to the glory and excitement of knowing that what I am doing is important. There have been lots of women to journey into theology before me, but it is still important that I am here, in this program, at this time. Women have been withheld from this arena for millennia, but once the door opened we have also withdrawn ourselves from this arena, choosing to believe it is not our place to know God. I have a growing sense of gratitude and amazement that I get to be a part of the ranks that have chosen to take on this endeavor.

This isn’t just about a degree though. I traveled through Germany with my mentor this past spring as she trained youth ministry workers on military bases. We stayed with a woman who is a director of this ministry, and between these two amazingly gifted and God-honoring women there were horrific stories of battle and wounds…not just with the enemy but with their brothers in Christ. These are the women in the trenches who are courageous enough to stand up and ask for opportunities to serve, to call male leaders out when they easily glide into dishonoring dialogue and behaviors toward women, to keep serving their ministries while wounded and bleeding and choosing to lean completely on Jesus to give them the strength to keep fighting and loving their brothers in the midst of the pain. These women are my heroes. They are affecting change in the day-to-day living out of their faith and gifts. Although it is sad that these ministers of Christ, whose hearts are to lead people to Christ's love, are expending so much energy to simply remain standing within the walls of the Church.

The male affirming books and programs are good in some aspects, but again my fear is where is the humility? Where is the surrendering to Christ? I know these men often believe women should not be teaching them, but I wish they could see my heroes choosing to love their brothers into Christ-honoring ministry partnership and learn a different way. We don’t need men to circle their wagons and prepare male-affirming battle against women leaders in the church. We need them to submit and serve the women and invite them into partnership, knowing they will get wounded along the way, but still choosing to fight for the kingdom of God and love those women that willfully or inadvertently come against them.

What are these reflections for? My heart is not to be one of the guys. My heart is for the Church, and specifically the men in the church, to not discount me and my contributions because I am "just" a gal. It is seeking out validation, for a real world example, that God does indeed value women, and that we are indeed vital to the ushering in of the kingdom of God. I know that it is ridiculous to seek this kind of validation from mankind, but it is still my hearts desire…a desire that should push me into the heart of my Father. I admit that my path from seeking worldly validation to God’s embrace is long and winding. But it is women like my mentor, and many others, that inspire me to keep pressing into desire. Women who seek out who God created them to be, invest their giftedness in the Kingdom, and with faith step into battles they know will bring pain, and in the battle they lean on their Christian family knowing that at times they will lean directly into a sword of betrayal, and yet they trust that in this life and in eternity there will be healing and redemption. They are women walking in the footsteps of Christ.