Father's Day

Today has been filled with so much emotion. It began with me recalling how fun and funny my dad was. He was filled with life, and yet he always had this hidden twinge of melancholy about him. I wish I had known what that melancholy was about when he was still alive.

I have joined Student Council at Mars Hill Graduate School, and today was the end of the annual retreat. It was spent in worship - silence, remembrance, communion. On days like this, silence is deadly. My 30 minutes of silent prayer and reflection were filled with tears and wrestling. Dan Allender said in my Leadership class this week that it is a beautiful thing when we can leave behind our deconstruction of idols because we have something even greater to reconstruct. I reflected on this idea. Is it time for me to stop deconstructing my dad, my family? I know the patterns, the pain, the worship of my dad; is it time to begin reconstructing myself and how I will live out my story in the ways of Jesus?

There is part of me that thinks if I could get to the place of reconstruction then I could finally truly mourn my past. There isn't a lot of room for real grief in the midst of anger.

I have also been reflecting today on my understanding of God, of our culture's understanding of God. In my New Testament class, we read a little bit about the culture of 1st century Roman empire/Jewish culture where the father was the provider for all - wife, children, slaves, etc. The emperor was the father of a nation, Paul was a father of the Philippians, God is Father. Can we even know and understand this idea today where father does not necessarily imply provider, life-giver, leader? Even in families where fathers are the primary providers they are often very absent emotionally. Can middle/upper class Americans have a theology of fatherhood that informs our knowledge of God? Do we even want that today in a culture where leaders and fathers are absent and/or corrupt?

This got me thinking about the names of God; specifically, God's name for Godself in the OT - I AM. I know this will probably sound heretical, or at least outlandish, but I wonder if I AM is the God we can relate to today in our First World experience of individualism. I don't know if this even makes sense, but as I searched today to understand God in light of my sad and difficult relationship with my dad, I turned immediately to I AM, the God who is self sufficient and all knowing, and yet created humanity and lives in communion with the Son & the Spirit. I can relate to I AM IN COMMUNITY. That is bigger than me, it is more glorious than me, and yet it helps me understand God perhaps in the same way the Biblical heroes understood God as a Father within their culture.

In my culture, our American culture, "I" is the only real source of power that we know. We create our own futures, we make choices to determine our 5-10-20 year life plans. God is intermixed with these individual pursuits of happiness, but ultimately it is up to me. If it took Paul and the early church to adopt the idea of God as Father as a frame of reference for the character of God within their culture, then perhaps I need to embrace the idea of an individual God in the midst of community as a frame of reference for my understanding of God. I am an individual who needs community, but I fail at this all the time, and so I need a God who is an individual within community to turn to for my salvation.

This is what has been floating around in my head today...Happy Father's Day. May the concept of Father be redeemed in our broken culture. I AM knows I need it!