Today has been filled with so much emotion. It began with me recalling how fun and funny my dad was. He was filled with life, and yet he always had this hidden twinge of melancholy about him. I wish I had known what that melancholy was about when he was still alive.
I have joined Student Council at Mars Hill Graduate School, and today was the end of the annual retreat. It was spent in worship - silence, remembrance, communion. On days like this, silence is deadly. My 30 minutes of silent prayer and reflection were filled with tears and wrestling. Dan Allender said in my Leadership class this week that it is a beautiful thing when we can leave behind our deconstruction of idols because we have something even greater to reconstruct. I reflected on this idea. Is it time for me to stop deconstructing my dad, my family? I know the patterns, the pain, the worship of my dad; is it time to begin reconstructing myself and how I will live out my story in the ways of Jesus?
There is part of me that thinks if I could get to the place of reconstruction then I could finally truly mourn my past. There isn't a lot of room for real grief in the midst of anger.
I have also been reflecting today on my understanding of God, of our culture's understanding of God. In my New Testament class, we read a little bit about the culture of 1st century Roman empire/Jewish culture where the father was the provider for all - wife, children, slaves, etc. The emperor was the father of a nation, Paul was a father of the Philippians, God is Father. Can we even know and understand this idea today where father does not necessarily imply provider, life-giver, leader? Even in families where fathers are the primary providers they are often very absent emotionally. Can middle/upper class Americans have a theology of fatherhood that informs our knowledge of God? Do we even want that today in a culture where leaders and fathers are absent and/or corrupt?
This got me thinking about the names of God; specifically, God's name for Godself in the OT - I AM. I know this will probably sound heretical, or at least outlandish, but I wonder if I AM is the God we can relate to today in our First World experience of individualism. I don't know if this even makes sense, but as I searched today to understand God in light of my sad and difficult relationship with my dad, I turned immediately to I AM, the God who is self sufficient and all knowing, and yet created humanity and lives in communion with the Son & the Spirit. I can relate to I AM IN COMMUNITY. That is bigger than me, it is more glorious than me, and yet it helps me understand God perhaps in the same way the Biblical heroes understood God as a Father within their culture.
In my culture, our American culture, "I" is the only real source of power that we know. We create our own futures, we make choices to determine our 5-10-20 year life plans. God is intermixed with these individual pursuits of happiness, but ultimately it is up to me. If it took Paul and the early church to adopt the idea of God as Father as a frame of reference for the character of God within their culture, then perhaps I need to embrace the idea of an individual God in the midst of community as a frame of reference for my understanding of God. I am an individual who needs community, but I fail at this all the time, and so I need a God who is an individual within community to turn to for my salvation.
This is what has been floating around in my head today...Happy Father's Day. May the concept of Father be redeemed in our broken culture. I AM knows I need it!
Jun 17, 2007
Jun 13, 2007
Bible Club
It has begun. Bible Club convened with the reading of a modern day Epistle written by our fellow worker in Christ, Cabe, which was so apropos. We proceeded to hash out all our thoughts and hopes and interests and expectations, and then we finally settled into John 17 as our first passage to study. I am so excited.
Kate asked at one point why we were all truly interested in this idea. It immediately occurred to me that I have never really experienced community reading the Bible together, studying together, wrestling together. I have been in lots of Bible Studies, but that means I have been in lots of groups where leaders told me what a passage meant and how I was supposed to live and believe. I am not dissing those experiences because I know I learned much from many leaders in my past, but all I had to do was show up and soak it up...it required very little of me.
There is something incredibly more exciting about engaging the text myself and with others, of getting to follow the passion within me that draws me to a text while still learning from others. It is exciting to do this with the intent of learning how to really live the gospel out in our 21st century, American, affluent, and pluralistic society, as opposed to just fulfilling my Christian duty with a daily quiet time which has always brought me more guilt and confusion than real transformation. We get to "play" with the Text, which to me means I get to get my hands dirty with friends as we struggle to understand what it means to have the faith of a mustard seed in a society where we get pre-maid mustard in handy, squeezable bottles at the supermarket; or, what it means to love your neighbor in a culture of fences and locked doors...and terrorists who decapitate their enemies. This could perhaps be called a midrash group, at least deep down I hope that will be the experience.
I feel kind of weird being so excited, but this new group brings life to my soul. I have had a really rough week, but tonight I have laughed and smiled much. It is good.
Jun 12, 2007
Unlocked
In the past week I have had my personality tested and my handwriting analyzed. In one page or less all of my problems have been made sense of. I literally want to print out this stuff and take it into my therapist or my school or my house and scream...maybe this is just the way I am!!! Maybe all these relational and personal and familial issues are just my personality.
For instance, I hate chit chat. On occasion I can do it, but as a general rule I just don't get it. Here is the answer:
INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship).
Of course there is a lot more, but I am an INTJ, so I am too private to share it all. Sometimes these assessments help me feel free, even for just a moment, to be okay with who I am. Maybe I just need to scream that to myself.
For instance, I hate chit chat. On occasion I can do it, but as a general rule I just don't get it. Here is the answer:
INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship).
Of course there is a lot more, but I am an INTJ, so I am too private to share it all. Sometimes these assessments help me feel free, even for just a moment, to be okay with who I am. Maybe I just need to scream that to myself.
Jun 8, 2007
Next Things
It has been almost a year living in Seattle. What a ride!
I can feel the sentimentality as well as the stress approaching as Stef, Smruti and I have to move by the end of the month. This house, which has come to called the Meridian House, has been so wonderful. So much has happened within the confines of this space, good and bad. There has been lots of tears and laughter, deep conversations and partying, football and Grey's Anatomy.
It would be really sad if we weren't moving here, the Franklin House:
This big, beautiful house is going to be our new home. It is closer to downtown and in a really cute neighborhood called Eastlake. And we will be adding a new roommate, Holly, which we are really excited about.
The other big news...Bible Club is starting! Yeah! There is just something oddly ironic and subversive about starting a bible club at Mars Hill Graduate School. Not because we don't respect and believe in this Text, but because we spend so much time deconstructing all the ideas we have ever held about the bible that have gotten in the way of us actually reading it well. It is kind of exciting to know that I can continue deconstructing while at the same time reconstructing a new appreciation and love for this odd and beautiful text. If this club gets off the ground, it will have to be in honor of Joanne Badley, NT scholar and professor at MHGS, who first gave us the assignment to study the Sermon on the Mount that inspired the Bible Club.
Jun 5, 2007
Self Service
I just returned from a wonderful weekend with old friends. It is interesting to consider how adulthood, marriage and motherhood have changed our views of the world. There was a lot of discussion around selfishness. The message is everywhere, from Oprah to Christian self-help to the endless array of fashion, home improvement, flashy cars and more that are paraded by us every minute of every day. Where we once would have enjoyed dishing on celebrity gossip we are now turned off by the excessiveness of our culture.
And yet, here I am working on a graduate degree in counseling psychology. Everything I learn is about the self - the part of us that is the culmination of parenting, environment, learning, experience, as well as the mysterious internal make-up of innate personality, desires, likes/dislikes that makes us each different. We were created diverse, there is not one human being that is the same, and so therefore I have to think there is something about "self" that reflects the glory of God. If we believe we were created by God, then understanding our self must reveal something of the glory and character of God, right?
I remember my first encounter with therapy. My therapist did not practice from a Christian worldview, and he kept telling me that I needed to be more selfish. I was dumbfounded and resisted him for months. Then I read a book that talked about co-dependency - enmeshing yourself with others to the point that you don't think or act out of your own agency. I remember going to my next session with the a-ha: he wasn't asking me to be selfish, he was asking me to stop being self-less, or without a self. I wonder if the Christian community has become so enmeshed in pleasing each other by obeying social structures that we have forgotten to really seek God's call for our own self. Have we come to equate living out of one's uniqueness with selfishness? It seems kind of ironic really, because if we are upset with others stepping out to do something different aren't we really getting upset because they won't be around for us anymore!
Of course, I am probably making this more complex than it needs to be due to our lack of language. There are more obvious external forms of selfishness - living with no regard for how you impact others (i.e. drunk driving), consuming and collecting stuff without need, not sharing what you have been given with others. But I also think there is internal selfishness that can only be unearthed with a little digging. I hide. I have never thought of this as selfish because I never really thought anybody needed or expected anything of me. But as I grapple with my self - my personality, calling, worth, I am realizing more and more that hiding is selfish. A selfishness that comes from the sad place of not believing you have anything to offer.
It is an odd paradox that the more I have come to understand my self, the more I desire to extend myself out to others, to serve. But I guess that is another language issue. Is not being selfish the equivalent of serving others? Can you serve others with an attitude of selfishness? I guess a truer sense of self will not always lead to service, just as serving others will not always be a sign of selflessness.
So where does this leave me? I think a lot of this has been stirred up not only from my girls trip, but also from just finishing a paper on Luke 12:42-48, the parable of the unfaithful servant. Read it. It's disturbing. But ultimately it is about being vigilant and watchful for Jesus' return. It is about choosing to treat our brothers and sisters with dignity and care since the kingdom of God is here, and not yet. It is choosing to work and live out of Jesus'example. For me, this is where theology and counseling intersect. The goal of the therapist should be to help the servant live more fully into the kingdom of God, building the courage and strength to fight against their depravity in order to live out of their God-given glory.
And yet, here I am working on a graduate degree in counseling psychology. Everything I learn is about the self - the part of us that is the culmination of parenting, environment, learning, experience, as well as the mysterious internal make-up of innate personality, desires, likes/dislikes that makes us each different. We were created diverse, there is not one human being that is the same, and so therefore I have to think there is something about "self" that reflects the glory of God. If we believe we were created by God, then understanding our self must reveal something of the glory and character of God, right?
I remember my first encounter with therapy. My therapist did not practice from a Christian worldview, and he kept telling me that I needed to be more selfish. I was dumbfounded and resisted him for months. Then I read a book that talked about co-dependency - enmeshing yourself with others to the point that you don't think or act out of your own agency. I remember going to my next session with the a-ha: he wasn't asking me to be selfish, he was asking me to stop being self-less, or without a self. I wonder if the Christian community has become so enmeshed in pleasing each other by obeying social structures that we have forgotten to really seek God's call for our own self. Have we come to equate living out of one's uniqueness with selfishness? It seems kind of ironic really, because if we are upset with others stepping out to do something different aren't we really getting upset because they won't be around for us anymore!
Of course, I am probably making this more complex than it needs to be due to our lack of language. There are more obvious external forms of selfishness - living with no regard for how you impact others (i.e. drunk driving), consuming and collecting stuff without need, not sharing what you have been given with others. But I also think there is internal selfishness that can only be unearthed with a little digging. I hide. I have never thought of this as selfish because I never really thought anybody needed or expected anything of me. But as I grapple with my self - my personality, calling, worth, I am realizing more and more that hiding is selfish. A selfishness that comes from the sad place of not believing you have anything to offer.
It is an odd paradox that the more I have come to understand my self, the more I desire to extend myself out to others, to serve. But I guess that is another language issue. Is not being selfish the equivalent of serving others? Can you serve others with an attitude of selfishness? I guess a truer sense of self will not always lead to service, just as serving others will not always be a sign of selflessness.
So where does this leave me? I think a lot of this has been stirred up not only from my girls trip, but also from just finishing a paper on Luke 12:42-48, the parable of the unfaithful servant. Read it. It's disturbing. But ultimately it is about being vigilant and watchful for Jesus' return. It is about choosing to treat our brothers and sisters with dignity and care since the kingdom of God is here, and not yet. It is choosing to work and live out of Jesus'example. For me, this is where theology and counseling intersect. The goal of the therapist should be to help the servant live more fully into the kingdom of God, building the courage and strength to fight against their depravity in order to live out of their God-given glory.
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