Getting Messy

It occurred to me this weekend that I treat this blog like I do a friend or conversation in general. I feel like I have to have everything together in order to be presentable and acceptable. Granted, I owe no loyalties to this blog, but it is much safer to analyze a relationship to an inanimate object than to an actual human being. It is less messy.

My life feels so messy right now. My living spaces are a literal mess - piles of clothes and paperwork everywhere. My finances are a total disaster - rent past due and what I could pay was short with no money coming in for a few more days. My emotions are always on edge as I feel I am being called to live in the messy places of my story...all the time. I question everything about myself as I exist in this hyper-sensitive state of understanding my story, my transference, my countertransference, and my response-ability to it all. It is hard not to feel constantly analyzed by new friends that are in this program, and it is hard not to "practice" on them what I am learning - thankfully we are all aware that we are doing this to each other to some degree.

Being in this messy place is incredibly uncomfortable to me. I think people have always viewed me as a very mature person, which is probably true on many levels, but this weekend I found myself searching Amazon for books on parenting, reparenting and inner child work. I may be mature on the outside, but I feel so immature when it comes to seemingly simple adult competencies - like cleaning my room, managing my money, and being able to express basic needs.

When I moved to Seattle my landlord told me that it would start raining in November. November 2nd it started raining and I think we have seen sunshine twice since then. So, when my mom and brother called me last week to ask if my house was flooded, and I started getting little notes in emails about staying dry and not forgetting my umbrella, I just thought they were commenting on the fact that it rains a lot in Seattle. But no, come to find out it is flooding all over western Washington, and the amount of rain we have had is very abnormal. This feels like a metaphor....

I feel like there is this way that I am. I can't describe it because it has always just been that way. I have assumed it was good and right because it was affirmed and praised throughout my life. And now I am getting little messages inferring that something is wrong, something is abnormal. And come to find out, I am a mess, I am flooding and I didn't even know it. Typing that sounds arrogant...I don't mean that I thought I was perfect, but I guess I thought I was okay, but I just needed some emotional healing from past wounds. But now it is being revealed that that healing will never come unless I allow myself to be not okay, I have to allow myself to get messy.

This is the part where I always have to ask..."why in the world did I sign up for this!?!"