Ambivalence has been a recurring theme within my first few weeks of school. The idea of having two ideas contradicting each other, and yet both are true. So often we feel the need to choose one side of the contradiction and stick to it with dear life as truth, all the while ignoring the other side of the coin (or truth). How hard it is to simply allow the contradiction, the ambivalence, to rest within us.
I was reminded today of my journey to Germany earlier this year. Prior and during the trip I felt this urgency to understand what God wanted to do with me, with my mentor Kathy, with the ministry that would be done. There had to be "one thing" that God desired for this trip. It was painful the amount of speculation and analyzing that went into discovering the great, "one" mystery!
About half way through the trip, when in fact many great things had happened, I finally had to admit that perhaps God was bigger than "one thing". Perhaps God desires many things for me, for us, for that trip to Germany. For some reason that was a very hard conclusion to come to for me. Now I understand why...Because it required me to live within the tension of contradiction, which made me expand my understanding of how big God actually is. It also required me to give up my dogma of "one thing" which is so safe and comforting.
What I have yet to learn is what is actually means to rest, to sit, with ambivalence...Perhaps there isn't just one way!
Sep 19, 2006
Sep 8, 2006
Words
My first week at Mars Hill Graduate School has come to end, at least the classes have. I am heading out to the school's annual retreat with the hope it will be a time for some facilitated reflection. This week was intense in too many ways to try to explain, but there are a few words that have been lingering in my mind from this week...
Ignorance. In our orientation we were called to come quickly to the realization of how ignorant we all are...very odd start to grad school! But it resonated with me, and then I did come very quickly to that realization (or reminder?) as I entered the classroom. I found myself struggling with the definitions to the most basic words and concepts, and I caught myself speaking before really thinking. I feel inept, which isn't a bad thing since I love to learn, and this first week was such a reminder that all the understanding we have (I have) is so minute in comparison to the vastness of God!
Play. Allender mentions this word a lot in his books and lectures. I find myself both fearful and intrigued by this word. Fearful because I don't know how to play...to move, to laugh, to joke in the physical senses of those words. Intrigued because the idea of playing with thoughts and words is stimulating and inviting to me. But this word has also made me question a bit...how playful am I in my relationship with God? Is He playing with me?
Theology. I thought theology was the study of God. But I also knew that there are specific theologies that people identify with, so therefore it must be a system too. But now I am being asked about MY theology, and I haven't a clue how to answer that question. Part of me feels indignant my churches and teachers never instilled in me a deep understanding of what Christian theology is, and part of me is thankful that I have never been so tied to a particular system that I can't think outside of it without feeling like I have betrayed someone/thing.
There were so many more words that stirred me up, so many ideas and concepts that I am starting to struggle through. I have been fighting the urge all week to sink into hiding, but to instead engage with these ideas with hope and be grateful that I get to be in this place. So off I go...
Ignorance. In our orientation we were called to come quickly to the realization of how ignorant we all are...very odd start to grad school! But it resonated with me, and then I did come very quickly to that realization (or reminder?) as I entered the classroom. I found myself struggling with the definitions to the most basic words and concepts, and I caught myself speaking before really thinking. I feel inept, which isn't a bad thing since I love to learn, and this first week was such a reminder that all the understanding we have (I have) is so minute in comparison to the vastness of God!
Play. Allender mentions this word a lot in his books and lectures. I find myself both fearful and intrigued by this word. Fearful because I don't know how to play...to move, to laugh, to joke in the physical senses of those words. Intrigued because the idea of playing with thoughts and words is stimulating and inviting to me. But this word has also made me question a bit...how playful am I in my relationship with God? Is He playing with me?
Theology. I thought theology was the study of God. But I also knew that there are specific theologies that people identify with, so therefore it must be a system too. But now I am being asked about MY theology, and I haven't a clue how to answer that question. Part of me feels indignant my churches and teachers never instilled in me a deep understanding of what Christian theology is, and part of me is thankful that I have never been so tied to a particular system that I can't think outside of it without feeling like I have betrayed someone/thing.
There were so many more words that stirred me up, so many ideas and concepts that I am starting to struggle through. I have been fighting the urge all week to sink into hiding, but to instead engage with these ideas with hope and be grateful that I get to be in this place. So off I go...
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