Winter Soltice

The Franklin house covered in snow. Notice the awesome candy cane lights!

The neighborhood park looks like a winter wonderland.

It's gotta be at least a foot deep! So fun!

And, I chopped off my hair! Just thought I would throw that in too.

Happy first day of Winter!

I have been absent, but in my absence I have become obsessed with the new CD's from Jason Mraz and Alanis Morrissette. In particular, Alanis (yes, we are on a first name basis) has a song called "Incomplete" that has resonated deeply with the past few months of my life. So as a first step to re-entry into the blogosphere, here is a poetic snapshot into the struggle that has kept me silent for so long:

One day
I'll find relief
I'll be arrived
And I'll be friend to my friends who know how to be friends
One day
I'll be at peace
I'll be enlightened
and I'll be married with children and maybe adopt
One day
I will be healed
I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
of being forever incomplete

One day
my mind will retreat
And I'll know God
And I'll be constantly one with her night dusk and day
One day
I'll be secure
Like the women I see on their thirtieth anniversaries

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
of being forever incomplete

Ever unfolding
Ever expanding
Ever adventurous
And torturous
And never done

One day I will speak freely
I'll be less afraid
And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art
One day I will be faith-filled
I'll be trusting and spacious authentic and grounded and home

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
of being forever incomplete

Conversations

This morning my mind was full of wandering thoughts. One of them was about a book I read last month for a vocational counseling class I am taking. The book is David Whyte's Crossing the Unknown Sea. Specifically, I was thinking about this one idea:

To wake the giant inside ourselves, we have to be faithful to our own eccentric nature, and bring it out into conversation with the world.

He talks about how some people are asleep in their vocations. We know these people, especially when they are our leaders. They are the people who we know we can no longer count on to provide vision, support, or direction. We have all probably been asleep in some job at some point, I know I certainly have. But what I love about this idea even more than the call to wake up, is what Whyte calls his readers to wake up to - our unique, eccentric, made in the image of God, self. I think this is such a hard concept to consider as a born and bred Christian. I have been taught all of my life to die to my self, not to be faithful to it. So, for my Christian world view, I have to understand such a statement in different language - I have to to be faithful to the person God created me to be, that is marred by sin, and redeemed by the resurrection of the divinely human Jesus Christ. I live, we all live, on the resurrection side of the redemptive cross, which means that I am called to die no more, but to live in Christ, the savior that redeemed me so that I could live as God created me to be - my self.

In my morning hours, I dwelt on the idea of conversation with the world. It reminds me of the attachment theories I am learning in school that describe how an infant is formed by their interaction with their environment. Their first environment is their mother, then the father and siblings that they gradually become aware of, then there are peers and eventually a spouse or intimate relationship. We are in constant conversation with the people around us, and those conversations shape who we are and who we become. I have spent two years trudging through the pains and the blessings of how my conversations with the people of my life have shaped me. I have been learning how to have new conversations with these important people. But this path can tow a very tight line with complete self-absorption, and I am ready to start having conversations with the world.

As I consider my past conversations with the world, they were often extremely conforming. I was agreeable to everything I felt I was supposed to agree about, and I hated everything I thought I was supposed to hate. Over the past few years, all that changed, and I have been very angry, and all of the sudden my conformist conversations turned into fighting and disagreement. I am beginning to grow weary of fighting, and there is no way I will go back to conforming. As I talked through these thoughts with a friend, she pointed out that both fighting and conforming are reactive ways of being, and therefore neither are living out of faithfulness to my self. I have gone from extreme of reaction to the other extreme, and now I am ready to start settling into who I am.

This is the beginning of my conversation with the world about maturity as opposed to reactivity. It is still hard to fathom that the world would want to converse with me, which I suppose will have to be part of the conversation, but this is about seeking to be part of the world as a unique woman who knows she has something to offer the world.

1-2-3 Meme

I saw this 1-2-3 Meme on my friend Matt's blog, and I thought it sounded like a fun idea. Here's what you do: grab the book closest to you, turn to page 123, go to the 5th sentence, and then write out the next 3 sentences. Here's the one non-school book by my bed:

The Architecture of Happiness, Alain de Botton
"But what remains to these stones is their eloquent ability to deliver the message common to all funerary architecture, from marble tomb to rough wooden roadside shrine - namely, 'Remember'. The poignancy of the roughly chiselled family of mossy orthostats, keeping their lonely watch over a landscape around which none save sheep and the occasional rain-proofed hiker now roam, is heightened only by the awareness that we recall nothing whatsoever about the one they memorialise - aside, that is, from this leader's evident desire, strong enough to inspire his clan to raise a forty-tonne capstone in his honour, that he not be forgotten.

The fear of forgetting anything precious can trigger in us the wish to raise a structure, like a paperweight to hold down our memories."

Ok friends, it's your turn! Post a comment with your book quote or link to your own blog!

Unconscious Bias

Scanning the web during class I came across some important and fascinating research about unconscious racism and bias.

First up, are you a Secret Hater? I think this is an important conversation to be had. We are so afraid to admit to our deep seated racism and bias toward others. Our politically correct culture doesn't help much with one's pursuit of authenticity. But the truth is, if we don't own up and repent of our prejudices then we will only continue to harm others and continue the cycle of prejudice and oppression in our culture.

Next, there is a link in the article to the Implicit Association Test. You can register for free and take a series of tests that will measure your unconscious preferences. I don't even know how to explain it, but I encourage you all to take some time to do this. One of the tests is measuring presidential candidate preferences, and quite surprisingly I had a strong unconscious preference for Hillary Clinton over Obama, Huckabee and McCain. If you read my previous post, you know I don't plan on voting for her. So it is interesting to consider my bias toward women leaders over men.

Finally, another link in the article is to the We're Only Human blog. Disclaimer: I haven't had a chance to actually read it yet, but I browsed the post titles and it sounds like a really interesting look at the psychology of human life.

So, all in all, it has been a really successful class time this morning. =)

Elephonkeys and Donkephants

Today I went to my first caucus. As a Washington resident, I was able to join my neighborhood at the local elementary school to cast my vote for the next presidential candidate. It was really fun to be in the midst of chaotic assembling, hearing debate amongst participants, watching people volunteering to be delegates. It felt important and active and inspiring.

What will be shocking to most of my friends and family is that it was a Democratic caucus, not Republican. I have been a card carrying Republican since I turned 18. I remember my first election in 1996 as a Biola University student proudly casting my ballot for Bob Dole. I was a passionate supporter of George Bush both elections. But no matter how I feel about the legitimacy of the war in Iraq, the last few years have been tiring.

Here are some of my primary thoughts about casting a ballot outside of my party line:

The past couple years I have been asked to engage difference. This has taken many forms. Psychologically, the ability to handle ambiguity is a feature of a sound mind. Theologically, it has been the expanding understanding of the scope of my Christian faith (including the multitude of influences of paganism and other religions on the formation of beliefs we currently hold today as evangelicals). Speaking of humanity, I have been called to engage the different races and socio-economic experiences of people in this country and throughout the world. I just can't look at say, poverty, anymore without the consideration of systematic oppression, or at least indifferent elitism, being a key factor in some people's daily life. I just don't see many current Republican leaders releasing rigid dogma in order to engage difference in a healthy way.

Then there is hope...hint, hint. I can't lie, I have been really inspired to hear a candidate for US President talking about hope. It's just plain weird, and yet really inspiring. I have learned a lot about hope this past year, and one thing I have learned is that it is not a fluffy, feel-good concept. It is about suffering, it is about faith in the goodness of God, and it is about doubting...because faith isn't faith unless you doubt. I am full of doubt about our nation, our politics, our choices, our economy, and perhaps most significantly the concept of the American Dream. So to hear someone address my doubt with a message of hope, rather than a bunch of fix-it checklists that will never be followed through on and don't address a system that needs a new imagination, is really refreshing.

It is still an uphill battle for Obama to win the nomination. And there is a lot of debate yet to happen once it is the actual presidential election, but for now I am relishing my position as an Obama Republican.

Girl Power

At MHGS we talk a lot about power...acknowledging your power, owning your power, using power for good or ill, white power, feminine power, people borrowing power from others, people giving their power to others, etc. When I returned to Seattle a couple weeks ago I experienced an inner crisis about my own power. After some contemplation, I realized that I have become very cognizant of power within my family, and I have realized that it is fun and enjoyable to own my power in those relationships (and probably a lot less harmful now that I am aware of it, I hope!). I got back to Seattle and entered a place where I feel safe to be more authentic in some ways, and yet it is a place that I feel very powerless, and when I feel powerless I revert right back to inauthenticity. My power in my relationships and career at home is the very thing that makes me feel like an outsider here. This past week I have been struggling to understand how I can own my power in this new context in a way that honors myself and others. Part of that is being able to ask for things I desire without shame, as well as being able name my failures with humility rather than shame.

I am compelled to write about this because of several pop culture and political things going on right now. As I write this, I am watching TLC's Miss America Reality Check. It is a reality show where all the Miss America contestants are getting a make-over, and really they are trying to make-over the entire Miss America image. They are trying to get rid of the stiff walks, the overdone hair and make-up, and the hideous fashions. They are trying to make Miss America authentic. From a business perspective, I think it is kind of genius. In the wake of all the documentary revelations about the pageant world, perhaps this is a first step creating more authentic role models for girls. From a personal perspective, I find myself relating to so much of these girl's struggles to let go of their facades in fear of being themselves. It is so much easier to be judged and rejected as a fake persona than as your real self. And yet, there is no power in living out of a fake self.

The other contest currently going on is for the US President, and Hillary Clinton is the first viable female candidate in our history. That is exciting to me. I was watching my Sunday news shows this morning and the topic of conversation was her husband. The pundits are saying that Hillary is using Bill to play the "bad cop" role in her campaign, saying all the ugly, hard things about Obama. The result is they are questioning her ability to control her husband as well as her ability to take and give hard punches on her own. Peggy Noonan said that it was an "un-feminist" move by Hillary to hide behind her husband. I think it is all a little unfair; it's not like Bill is some no-name husband, he is former president for goodness sake! We just don't have any good examples of a man and a woman both holding the same level of power and being married to each other.

And whether or not Hillary becomes President, or whether you vote for her, I think we have to be able to step back and acknowledge that like it or not this is the woman that has been defining the role of women in politics for the past 15 years. First she redefined the role a First Lady, then the role of Senator with obvious ambitions, and now as Presidential candidate. That is a heavy load for her to bear, and it is a role that as a woman I feel I have to pay attention to.

Then there is Cashmere Mafia, a new TV show on ABC that is about 4 women friends from business school who all hold powerful positions in their respective careers. It is Sex and the City gone corporate. The first episode kind of made me queasy. I am sure it is some unresolved something, but I hate TV shows that, by portraying women in the extremes, make me feel like I should want more stuff in my life that I don't actually need. But anyway, it is an interesting show to watch as I consider "girl power." They are women being faced with repercussions of their power; mainly, in relationship to their significant others. So really this show featuring 4 powerful women is about how men struggle with women leading, and how the women then struggle with their men.

Perhaps this is the gist of what I am writing about, that feminism has changed because in the big picture of media we aren't struggling with women getting to positions of power, but the struggle has shifted to how women use the power they have and the impact on their relationships. For centuries, perhaps millenia, women have sought to be married to power by playing roles and wearing pretty facades. When, as "simple" wives, they directed powerful charities and built respectability for their own skills, they still believed they were worthless without their Mrs. title. That facade has been shattered.

With feminism women fought to have equal status as men, but often to the detriment of their femininity. My generation, after a winding road through owning our sexual power a la Ally McBeal and Carrie Bradshaw, is finally wanting to struggle with how feminine power is different than masculine power. How do we embrace our sexuality without using it? How do we (I) own our (my) power of competence without crushing others with it, especially the male ego? How do we surrender ourselves to the support of men and women we do feel helpless? It feels to me that it is the quest for authentic power. It is the quest that I suppose I am on myself in my own way.

Marking

Happy New Year friends and family!

I have not had many memorable New Year celebrations. I remember last new year's eve as the night my windshield got hit by a firecracker leaving a beautiful display of cracked glass (that remains to this day). There was the new year's eve in high school at a girl's house (whose name I can't remember) that was fun. And then there were the childhood celebrations that included struggling to stay up until midnight so we could participate in the subversive act of banging pans in the street in the middle of the night without consequence.

This new year was different. My roommate Stef organized a simple potluck and bought some extra plates to smash. We finished our good luck meal of pork and sour kraut and proceeded to write all the things we wanted to leave behind in 2007 with markers on the plates. After a solemn few minutes of reading our plates to each other, we took turns smashing the plates on our front porch. I realize this is probably very representative of a bunch of MHGS counseling students' way of "celebrating," but really it is about marking - something I hope to carry with me throughout my life.

2007 was the year I learned about marking moments in time. My 30th birth-day was ushered in by a midnight mass to ceremonially bring an end to my 20's. I still have a little bottle of ashes from that midnight "celebration" to remind me of that marking. I have a friend who writes a letter to each of his children on their birthdays. He writes about his impressions of them in their past year of life, he seals it and stashes the letters away for when his children have grown.

Marking is not about being sentimental, and it isn't about being overly dramatic about life events, but I think it is about choosing to make space for the sacredness of our everyday life. Marking is about choosing to remember the past in a way that frees you from living in the past. It is choosing to be fully present, even just for a moment, to take in all the beauty and the misery that has shaped us. Marking is also about keeping in view the great paradox of a spiritual life - that suffering and goodness often intertwine. Marking is about having hope, being filled with love, and acknowledging desire for your future. Last night I wrote down things I wanted to leave behind, but only because I have deep desires for my future. I suspect I would have found this marking celebration quite silly a few years ago when I had no concept of the depth of my own desires. And I suspect that the act of marking without reverence and hope is what makes traditions become meaningless rituals.

I am very grateful for how my life has been marked by people and experiences this past year. Thank you family and friends for marking my life!