Virginity in the Christian community I have always lived in is such a virtue, something to be admired, which means it is something that you receive genteel womanly smiles for and pats on the back.
I wish we could be more honest about how hard it is. At 29, my body feels like it is at a breaking point. As I listened to my "worldly" brother briefly mention the fact that he has had several flings since his divorce, my heart and body groaned. Why does he get grace? Why don't I take advantage of that same grace that I know is available to me and release some of this pent up sexual energy?
Because either out of total naivete or church brainwashing or perhaps real belief I anticipate that there is a blessing in honoring God by holding out for a covenant relationship. Dear God, please let it be real.
In the meantime, I finally opened up about this struggle with a friend. The conversation led to laughter...avoid the older car salesmen as I shop for a car - I might end up getting laid...keep reading those piles of books on my bedstand to get through those "lonely" nights...which led me to this song by Over the Rhine...
Ahh...this is the beauty of life...finding laughter in the midst of struggle.So open up my heart-shaped box
It's full of combination locks
I've swallowed all my love-sick pills
To keep from getting chills
Look at all the books I've read
In my lonely single bed
But when you say love, OH
